cedricsmom's Blog

My parents are divorced, and try not to speak.  (My wedding will be a blast)  My dad is remarried to a snobby control freak, who couldn't even pretend to be polite to my mother on the day my brother underwent a 6 hour open heart surgery.  My mom, who has huge self esteem issues, seems to feel the need to prove to herself, and us, as well as Snobby Control Freak, that my father still has feelings for her, and is only remarried because she won't have him.  My family has issues.  The love of my life has a family with issues too, but that's his story to tell.

It's December 29th.  I've attended 3 family  Christmases already, and have one New Years/Holiday/Birthday celebration to go.  I'm exhausted, and cranky.  I'm sick of people, especially the ones I'm related too.  I'm sick of my dad's wife, my brother bickering with his significant other, my sister and her significant other (who are having "problems" mostly brought on by my sisters wandering eye, and the inability of her SO to stand up to this behavior) falling in love all over again, and then dramatically breaking up, before announcing "we hope we can work it out"   I'm sick of my wonderful boyfriends sister having life defining moments that interfere with my ability to spend 5 minutes alone with him in the last month, and his dad, who I love, pressuring him to make decisions that are in the long run, poor choices in the circumstances he is in.  I'm 40 years old, and instead of Christmas being a joy filled occasion, where I reflect on my happiness over the past year, the birth of my saviour, and the peace of  the season, I have come to the place where all I want is to be alone, with the phone turned off, and Cedric curled up beside me as I read the hours away. 

But in this season, filled (on my part) with a lack of enthusiasm and joy there have been some good things.  As I sit here waiting for my next patient to arrive, I have decided to focus on them.

First, Cedric, who is not known far and wide for his manners, has attended every family event and behaved admirably.  He hasn't knocked over a Christmas tree, chewed up another persons prized possession, peed on a single floor, or barked to get attention.  He has heeled on his leash, sat when he was told, not attempted to steal food off a table, and laid quietly at my feet, like the good dog he was born to be.  He hasn't had a fight with another dog, and he graciously gave up his bed to his arch rival (Henley) last Saturday night, without complaint. 

Second, my boyfriend.  He has been loving, supportive, generous with his time, patient to a fault.  I have never once doubted this man's love for me, however, I have discovered, in the last month, just how much he loves me.  He embodies the ideal of love.  My happiness, peace of mind, and well being are so important to him, he would die to give me those things.  I've never seen a love like the love this man has for me.  I can assure you, I never thought I would get to have a love like this.   I am white trash.  I am the woman men sleep with, but never marry.  And yet here is a man, who not only wants to marry me, but is putting every effort into making that happen as soon as possible.  Amazing.

Third, I'm healthy.  Last year at this time, I was so sick, I thought I was going to die.  I almost did.  I made the wrong choice when I picked a physician, who felt strongly that we should "wait and see" why I felt so bad.  The next day I was hospitalized with a critically low hemoglobin, and spent hours hooked to an IV recieving blood transfusions.  I remember lying there, tears sliding down my cheeks, thinking, if someone hadn't given their blood, I could have died in a week or so.

Fourth, I'm working on myself.  Which sounds weird.  But I am.  Eating better, trying to get more regular exercise, changing jobs, because the last one made me unhappy.  Sleeping better, and saying no, when I mean no. 

I am truly blessed.  And in the crazy rush of the holiday season, we all sometimes forget to stop and take stock.  To count our blessings.  To remember the good things, and wonderful people in our lives.  The world is hard on people.  It seems as time marches on, it gets harder.  Financial setbacks, lost jobs, lost health, divorce, addiction, violence...so many things conspire to take away our strength and our peace. 

Ernest Hemmingway said "The world breaks everyone.  Afterwards, many are strong in the broken places"

So my new years resolution, this year will be to focus on the strength, and not the broken places.

May you all focus on the strength in your broken places too.  Happy New Year to all of my wonderful EP family, and friends. 

I haven't been on Ep as much lately as I used to be.  I was surprised today when I logged in and saw my circle of friends was missing someone.  SomeGuyYouKnow had disappeared.  I looked a few times, hoping that somehow my order of top friends had gotten changed and he was accidently out of place.

But to no avail.  He's gone.  He didn't send a message, or a white board comment.  He just quietly deleted his profile and disappeared.  I sit here staring at EP and feeling like a part of me is missing.  You see, SomeGuy was more to me than just a friend I chatted with online.  He was my confidant.  He was my strength.  He was here when I was falling apart.  And he was here to celebrate my happiness when it came along.

He was a troubled man.  He had shadows in his heart, and ghosts that wouldn't rest.  And to know he's not here doesn't just sadden me, it worries me.  Because more than once I've seen him sink into a depression that was so deep I feared for his life.

I know he was graduating from college this month, and I hope he just put EP aside to start a new life.  I hope my friend is okay, and that he has found peace and happiness.  I know very few people who deserve it more.  I will miss him.   And I will pray for him.  And I will remind myself that cyber friendships aren't real and people come and go without warning.  That in a world where there really isn't much real "connection" anymore, ours wasn't special.

But the thing is, it was.  I needed him in my life, and I like to think that he needed me too sometimes.  That we were able to offer a comfort to each other that neither of us might have found otherwise.

I doubt he will ever see this, but...Jonathan, I will miss you.  Goodbye, and thanks for being there so often.

I'm 40. This hit me last week as I was sitting in the salon waiting to pay for the torture of having my eyebrows forcibly yanked from my face with hot wax.  I mean, I knew I was 40, I remember celebrating my birthday with a quiet dinner at home, and a movie.  But, you might say...it really hit me, I am 40.  My life is probably more than half over.

I didn't give it much more thought at the time.  Actually, I didn't give it anymore thought at the time.  I wallowed in the realization for a minute and rushed on to the next task on my to do list.  I didn't think of it again until Sunday.  On Sunday I was making the long drive from my boyfriends home, back to my place and into my head popped the image of an old friend.   I knew him in college.  He was married when the rest of us were single, and he was my best friend.  We had so much in common, from childhood and family problems to things we loved and hated then.  We were close.  Possibly closer than we should have been considering he was married.  Eventually, life took us in different directions, and we lost touch.  I heard he moved east and had a baby.  By now I would guess there are more members of the family.  I don't know what made me think of him.  Why he suddenly crossed my mind, but I spent close to an hour of my commute remembering our time spent together.  The jokes and laughter.  His frustration over his unhappy marriage, and how on the day he planned to ask his wife for a divorce, she told him she was pregnant.

I didn't try very hard to keep in touch after they moved.  I believed he was my soulmate, and it was too hard being around him, knowing we would only ever be friends.  

But on Sunday when I got home, I logged into facebook to see if he had a profile.  I hate facebook, and only have an account to lurk around keeping track of people I'm curious about.  I have never posted a status, or written on a wall.  

His account is set to private, so I can't view any information, but, I know it's him, because there is a picture.  So, curiosity unsatisfied, I goggled him.  And discovered that since our last conversation he has graduated from medical school, and is a physician.  I'm not surprised.  He is the most driven person I ever met.  

This got me thinking about my own life.  And I suddenly remembered, with a sense of dread that I am 40.  And  my life really hasn't changed much in the last 12 years.  I graduated from college, and I have a job.  I met someone and I love him.  But overall, I don't feel like I've gotten very far.  I look at who I am and the decisions I've made, and I am not pleased.  

I'm in a relationship with a man who lacks the drive?  Motivation?  Who lacks the SOMETHING, to move forward.  I've been driving three hours on Friday and Three hours back on Sunday, far more often than not, to see him.  He keeps saying things like, "well no one should have to give up their life, we should just combine them."  Which means I give up my life.  Friends, home, property in the country, and job, to move to a city, I like only a little, to live in an industrial neighborhood, and wait for him to finish remodeling a home that isn't anywhere big enough and doesn't have any closets.  

I have a job, but it turns out that I should have picked another career.  This one is giving me an ulcer.  I'd love to go back to school, but haven't finished paying for my last degree yet.

I feel disconnected from God, and from myself.  I cry more days than I don't.  And I'm terrified that I will never find what and who makes me truly happy.

I miss my friend.  I could tell him anything.  We drifted apart years ago, and I have great friends now.  I have a friend here, who reminds me so much of that person back then, they could be brothers.  But even that friendship isn't the same as it once was.

I know everything changes.  People move on.  Life continues spinning even when we don't want it to.  I guess I'm just having my midlife crisis.  

Three weeks ago, a patient came to the office complaining about shortness of breath and swelling in his legs.  Examination reveled severely swelling of the legs, weight gain of several pounds in a week (consistent with fluid retention) and crackles in his lungs, (again, consistent with fluid retention).  We elected to admit him to the hospital, because he gets confused about his medications, and because he had clear signs of heart failure, which needed aggressive therapy.  

The patient threw a wrench in the plans.  He had two dogs in the car, and he wasn't going to leave them unattended to go to the hospital.  Maybe he could find a friend to look after them, and then he could check in later.    I didn't like the idea.  I explained to him it could be a life threatening situation.  He borrowed a phone and called everyone he knew.  No one could help him.  And he refused to go.  He called on the following Monday to let us know he was feeling better.  His labs were abnormal, when he finally got them drawn.  We called again, and asked him to adjust his medications.  He was confused.  My nurse spent 35 minutes on the phone with him, explaining which medications he should take, and why he needed them.  We didn't hear from him for two weeks.

Yesterday afternoon he called the office and said he was coughing up blood  "in large chunks"  He was directed to go immediately to the local emergency room.  He was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure, and he went into cardiac arrest and died a few hours later.  

I could go on about responsibility, and medical non-compliance.  I could type a diatribe about the tests that should have been ordered on this patient the minute he arrived, but weren't.  I could complain about incompetent medical doctors, and poor quality of care.  And all of those things are valid complaints.  But they are not the point of this blog.

I am heartbroken about the passing of my patient.  And the thing that is bothering me most as I type this blog, is the lack of concern humans have for each other.  A man who needed hospitalization, spent thirty minutes on the phone, trying to find one person who would help him out.  And everyone said no.  

The world can be a cold place.  Life and the circumstances it gives you, can be harsh, and painful.  The one thing that makes it better, is the love and friendship of people close to us.   Whether the circumstance is medical, as in this case, or emotional, one person can make a huge difference.  One small act of kindness, one favor, even if you're busy, one hand on a shoulder in support, one hug on a bad day, can be the difference between life and death.  Is it really too much trouble to go out of the way for someone else?  That extra mile, that extra 5 minutes could save a life...

I saw a patient today...Mary.  She is 84 years old, and she is dying of cancer.  She has three months to live, and unfortunately there are no treatment options for her. 

She came to our practice about a month ago, very short of breath, with a persistent cough, and some abdominal pain.  We hospitalized her immediately, because she appeared so ill.  During her initial interview she revealed that she had been ill since May of 2010, with the same symptoms.  She saw her family doctor, and they hospitalized her as well, but assumed she had pneumonia, gave her antibiotics, and sent her home after two days.  When she didn't get  better they told her she would "just have to live with it"

Frustrated, exhausted, and weak, she asked a friend one day what she could do to help herself.  The friend suggested our office, saying they take good care of people.  We try very hard to do just that.  Our investigation revealed heart failure, and a large collection of fluid between the lung and it's outer lining.  We put a needle in and took the fluid out.  She started to breath better and the cough subsided.  We got the heart failure under control, and things were looking up.  She told me during my morning rounds that she felt better than she had in a year.

Then came the bad news.  The fluid we took off her lung had thousands of cancer cells.  Mary had lung cancer.  The pathologist worked his microscopic magic, and determined that her cancer did not originate in the lung.  After a week more of testing it was discovered that she had ovarian cancer which had spread to the lung.  A visit to the oncologist revealed that her cancer had spread to the point where she was too weak and too sick to undergo treatment...a treatment that wouldn't work anyway.

And today, I stood at this woman's beside and explained to her that she was going to die, and that she had very little time left.  I discussed her options and finally she and her family settled on a nursing home close to her daughter and pain medications while she awaited the inevitable.  I kissed her cheek, and told her how honored I was to know such a wonderful woman.  And I left, with tears in my eyes, and righteous anger in my heart.

This woman has a family physician.  They see to her health needs, and preventative tests.  They take care of her, and make recommendations.  They stand in the gap between patient knowledge and good medicine.  And they failed their patient.  They assumed the simple answer was the right one.  They refused to investigate further when she didn't improve.  They didn't listen.  They didn't take the time to ask the right questions.  They didn't take the time to look into the eyes of this dear woman and see that she was very sick.  They didn't do their job.  And now she will die.  They failed her because they didn't give their best.  

It is the responsibility of each person to do their best.  To give their all in each day they are blessed with.  If Mary's doctor had given his or her best, Mary would have been diagnosed in time to have surgery, which could have been life saving.  Maybe she would have died anyway.  Maybe it's just her time.  

But I believe it is the responsibility of each individual to give 100% in everything they do.  Because everything we do affects someone somewhere.  If you can't give your all...get out of the game.

I have a huge yard.  The part that I mow, and groom, and try hard to keep up is close to two and a half acres.  It takes four hours just to trim and mow.  I spend endless hours working on it, and I am truly grateful when autumn arrives and I can put away the tools and look forward to a long winter of doing...nothing.

Today Cedric and I decided to get up early and get the basics done before the heat of the day set in.  Cedric, being a lab loves any activity that takes us outdoors to sniff things.  So old clothes on, breakfast eaten, hair in a ponytail, we start out at 8:30 this morning.  

8:30  Open the garage and barn up...get out the necessary equipment...collect Cedric from visiting the neighbors dogs.

8:45  Fire up my gas powered weed trimmer.  It knocks the weeds down quickly, and gives the yard a fairly neat look.  Cedric only spends 4 minutes running around me in wide circles, while barking at it, this morning.  It's July, and finally he's getting used to it.

9:15  Have most of the front of the house done, and stop to change the string on the trimmer.  Perfect time to look around and get a visual on Cedric.  Shocking...he's in the pond.  Call him out fill his water bucket so he won't drink the pond water, and back to work.  

9:35  Lost him completely.  Stop again.  Call him and wait.  Nothing.  Put down my trimmer and go in search of him.  He's in the back field sniffing a deer trail.  Collect him and bring him back to the house.  Give him his ball hoping to keep him nearby.  

9:50  Still trimming.  Have moved to the side yard and around the barn.  Cedric is buried up to his endlessly wagging tail in a grove a poison sumac growing on the far side of the barn.  I work my way around all the trees in the side yard, and by the time I'm finished I have to stop again to find my wandering best friend.  Locating him is easy this time I can hear him barking and splashing around in the pond.  I decide to leave him there.

10:10  I work my way down the fence line, Cedric trailing at a distance he considers safe, stopping every few feet to paw through the weeds I'm knocking down, in case there is something interesting that I've missed.  

10:20  I lose him while working around the deck in the back of the house.  The search takes longer this time.  He's wandered around the other side of the fence to say hi to our neighbors to the West.  He's standing on their front porch scratching at the door.  Good thing they are dog lovers.

10:30  I finish the back yard and we both stop for a drink.  Time to mow.  Cedric being utterly and completely terrified of the mower goes in his kennel.  At least I don't have to stop to hunt him down during this part of the job. I know where he is.

10:45  He's lying there content in the shade watching me mow.  (Probably tired from all his adventures.)  He does well until I get to mowing around the barn.  Then he goes flying through the doggie door to his indoor kennel and I see just his nose peaking back out, so he can keep track of where the mower is.  

12:45  Mowing done I free Cedric from his kennel.  He run around peeing everywhere because I might have somehow removed his scent from the yard.  Time to clean up.

12:50  I am picking up all the weeds I just knocked down.  Cedric is very helpful.  As I carry them to the field he jumps up and knocks them out of my arms, dragging them all over the yard, making my job harder.  

1:05  Finally get the weeds collected.  We're almost done.  I go out front to weed my flower bed.  Cedric goes back to the pond.  

1:20  Flower bed weeded.  I collect Cedric from the pond (again) and get out the hose to bathe him because now he smells like the pond.  He takes one look at the hose and takes off at a dead run.  I don't think he has a destination in mind, he just wants to avoid his bath.

1:35  I finally catch up with him on the back corner of the field sniffing at a bush which surely houses something fascinating like a rabbit or a pheasant.  I round him up and we head for the house.  I'm exhausted.

1:40  I put his leash on him so he can't run away again, and start his bath.  I'm covered with grass, dirt, and scratches.  Cedric immediately starts shaking the water off soaking me, and allowing the water to mix with all the dirt clinging to me so that it runs into my bleeding scratches from getting tangled in a thorn bush.  I remind myself how much I love this dog.

1:50 Cedric is soaped and I am rinsing him off.  He shakes all the water off again.  I'm disgusting.

1:55 Cedric has been rinsed and is standing there dripping.  Now he won't shake the excess water off.  I just want to go in the house and get in the shower, and the dog who couldn't stand to have water on him 5 minutes ago won't shake it off.  I go to get his towel out of the garage.

1:56  I come back to dry him off, and...he's gone.  Sigh.

1:59 I see him running down the path between my field and the neighbors field.  

2:03  I catch him by the leash he is trailing and remind myself how much I love this dog.  At least he shook the water off.

2:07  Back at the garage.  I towel him off and we head into the house.  I get a drink.  He gets a drink.  I head for the shower.

2:20  I emerge, clean, and feeling somewhat better.  Cedric, still damp, has climbed up on my bed and is fast asleep.

2:21  I decide if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and climb up on the bed next to my wet dog, and drift off to sleep.

2:22 My last thought, before I'm completely out, is how much I love this dog.

EP Romances are on my mind today.  I see these often.  Not just the ones EVERYONE knows about, but also ones that you might not notice unless you happen to be in the circle of one of these love birds.  These relationships are filled to the brim with drama. 

There are mushy status messages, whiteboard posts, tributes, and great passionate proclaimations in groups started just to share the love of these two people destined to be together.  And it's lovely.  Lots of support, in jokes among circle members, and good feelings about onlne relationships.  People look at this newfound love and they feel envy...why can't it be me?  They feel happiness for people who have found this wonderous gift.  They feel involved in the making of a relationship.  And it's cool.

And then...the DRAMA.  It starts simply.  A misunderstanding, a gift from another circle member, a gesture or comment designed to make the significant other...wonder.  Or maybe it's innocent, but the significant other is insecure.  The bottom line is that suddenly someone doubts the great love they are experiencing.  Next thing you know people are choosing sides, insults are hurled, groups are created in support of one party or another, whiteboard comments become nasty...or worse...pleas for forgiveness and another chance. 

Finally...the closing chapter.  The couple breaks up.  Stories are posted explaining why it didn't work out.   Hearts are broken, love is lost.  Everyone knows the story and...we're back to last weeks rant...someone is leaving EP because they are no longer loved. 

And all of that is fine.  But here's the part that irritates me.  These two people with all this passion and the GREAT LOVE, unlike anything anyone else has ever experienced, have NEVER MET IN PERSON.  Seriously.  They live time zones apart,  Some of them live on opposite sides of the international date line.  They have chatted via this miracle of modern matchmaking...the internet, but have never set eyes on one another.

I understand the draw of the internet relationship.  I myself met the man I love more than anyone in the world online.  We were so close a couple of months after our first conversation, that I would have sworn he was my soulmate.  We exchanged sappy emails, chatted online, and planned a future that we couldn't see.

Here's the difference though.  We became a RL romance.  Real life romance.  We took our relationship into the real world and test drove it.  We had arguements, struggled over different values, shared our dreams, and figured out if we could make it work.  We kept the private things private, and we didn't involve an entire online community in our relationship.

Now I understand that people feel differently about things.  We all have different comfort levels when it comes to stuff like this.  But if you never take the relationship into the real world you never know if it will work.  It's a relationship built on fear.  Fear of letting someone get really close.  Because if every interaction is via the world wide web...how will you know if it's a love that will last?  You won't know if you can live with this person.  I know that with my boyfriend there were a lot of surprises.  For both of us.  Things we never would know if we didn't spend lots of time together.

Maybe that's what these folks want.  They want excitment, passion, romance, and friendship without the hassle of everyday life.  Maybe they don't want real life.  Because real life is hard work, and real relationships aren't always fun.  Of course without real life you don't get real sex either.  (Just something to think about)

Hi.  I'm Cedricsmom, and I am in a RL relationship...

This is more of a rant than a blog...but it's Thursday of a very long week, and I'm having trouble with the filter between my brain and my mouth.

At least twice a week, I read a story, blog, or question about how horrible EP is.  How the writer is being unfairly treated, how no one cares for them, how it's not the EP it used to be, and maybe they should leave...delete their account...not log in anymore.  What should they do?  Can you convince them to stay?

Who gives a shit?  None of these people ever leaves.  They don't delete their accounts.  They get fifty comments or answers about how much they are loved, and how it would be such a loss to the EP community if they went.  They say thanks and hang around only to do the same thing again in a few weeks. 

The way I see it, this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt at gaining attention.  Someone with low self esteem, and a need for constant reassurance hasn't had enough story comments, or PM's lately, so they feel "unwanted" and threaten to leave as a gentle reminder that they are still here. 

Which brings me to my next point.  EP is a web site folks.  It's great.  I get a lot of support here, and I have made friends I will know my whole life.  I love hearing the ideas and opinions of others.  But it's not real life.  And if you have to have this much attention here, what is your real life like?  Are you this needy out in the real world?

So, to all of those who constantly threaten to leave.  Who wonder why EP has changed, and who feel they aren't wanted...JUST GO.  Or don't.  But quit whining about it, and make a decision.  Stop making empty threats to depart and delete your account, because I for one, am sick of hearing about it.

A few weeks ago, Cedric and I took a drive north. Spring had not arrived in southern Michigan, so what possessed me to drive three hours north, I am not sure.  Oh, wait.  I remember.  My amazing and wonderful boyfriend lives up there.  He actually likes winter.

I drove up on Friday after work.  It was late when I got out, and even later when Cedric and I arrived.  We settled in to our home away from home, and after some conversation, a snack, and a beer went to bed.  Cedric had a restless night.  Pacing, barking at the cars passing by on the street, and waking me to go out, not once, but three times.  By morning I was exhausted.

The most amazing man on the planet has the patience of Job, and didn't seem to mind the interruptions, and bounded out of bed with the enthusiasm I couldn't seem to muster.  He kissed my forehead and headed downstairs to make coffee.  He is down there maybe five minutes, and he comes flying back up the stairs, (bearing diet pepsi because I need caffiene and don't drink coffee)  He says, "It snowed!"  (Yippie)  "It's starting to melt a little, we should go out."
(Yippie)  But, then I realize, Cedric needs exercise.  He won't sleep tonight, if we don't burn off some energy.  So I say "okay," (sigh) "Let's take Cedric for a walk."

Great.  We have a plan.  We'll go to the state park, and walk along the Bay.  It'll be pretty, and it is warm enough to make the snow melt.  I get up, shower, dress, and off we go.  We get there, and we're wandering along Lake Huron.  It's cold.  There's still plenty of snow on the ground, and Cedric is in heaven, what with all the new things to smell.  As we wander we come across a big sign with a map showing all the area hiking trails.  The most amazing (?) man on the planet, notices that a mile and a half away is a lookout tower.  "Let's go!" he says.  I want to be the sort of woman who is up for a three mile round trip hike, and agree. 

Cedrics entusiasm outweighs even my wonderful boyfriends.  There are so many things to see, sniff, and chase.  Of course he is on a leash.  Which means that with all the seeing, sniffing, and chasing, I get pulled along.  I'm sort of used to this, so I don't worry too much about it at first.  Then I realize, most of the snow on this particular trail is hard packed, old stuff that hasn't melted from real winter yet.  And it's covered with a lovely sheet of ice.  Perfect.

As I slide into the gaurdrail of a bridge built to keep me from falling into the "protected wetlands" ie: swamp, I realize that a three mile hike across snow and ice is, maybe, not my thing.  In the summer, absolutely.  Sign me up.  But, snow and ice?  Come on.  The only thing I hate worse than being cold, is being cold with no way to warm up.  I don't have time to reflect on this any further, because as I crash to a stop against the gaurdrail, Cedric spots a bird, and we're off again, careening down the path.  Me basically skating and praying that I will stay upright, Cedric having the time of his life, and, (I'm certain) laughing at me.  Mr. Wonderful, just hikes along, asking every few minutes if I'm okay or need to stop and rest.  And, while I do, I want him to think I'm a tough chick, who can do this, so I say no and keep going. 

We're walking on and on, and at one point, as I'm trying to avoid a slicky spot of what I have affectionately named that shit on the ground, Cedric becomes fascinated by deer tracks, and I actually end up tripping over my own feet, like in one of those comedies, where the hero hopes to stay upright, and his arms are windmilling as his feet scramble for purchase on solid ground.  Except I have an 80 pound dog pulling me, making the task even more impossible.  I think it was at this point, that Mr. Wonderful took the leash, and led me to a bench, saying "why don't we sit?"  So after a rest I feel better and we're off.  We spot the lookout tower and I head off for it thinking "we'll be halfway there, once we hit that."  We get there and there is a lovely bench which I can rest on, while my amazing boyfriend climbs the tower.

We head back, and at this point, Cedric is (FINALLY) getting tired.  I've been tired for a while, but as previously mentioned this guy is special and I want him to think I'm tough.  So on we go.  Around this point I notice that my left knee, which hasn't been the same since I had surgery on it a few years ago, is really starting to hurt.  And it's a little numb from all the swelling, which I'm sure is a result of Cedrics pulling and my attempts to stay upright.

We finally get back to the Bay, and there is a pavillion with picnic tables, where I have to sit, because I can actually hear my knee grinding now.  Mr. Wonderful takes pity on me and heads off to get the car.  Cedric and I try to stay out of the wind and wait.  As he pulls into a nearby parking lot, and we limp toward the car, I notice Cedric is barely putting one foot in front of the other, and is finally, finally exhausted.  He climbs into the back seat, and falls asleep before I have my seatbelt on.

I lean against the window, and now that I've stopped moving start to shiver.  He drives me home, and Cedric collapses on the pillow in the kitchen, while I collapse on the bench by the door.  Mr. Amazing makes me an awesome dinner, and Cedric and I head upstairs to bed.  As I'm lying there next to this man who loves me, I say "I'm sorry I'm not a tough chick who can hike three miles without stopping."  I'm almost asleep, and I hear him say "Baby, you're one of the toughest chicks I know."  Cedric and I slept well the night after our great adventure.

I had to rent a car today.  Mine needed a new clutch and I do a fair amount of driving for work so I can't be without a vehicle for an entire day.  My car is 9 years old, and has 169,000 miles on it.  Any bells and whistles it came with have long since become obsolete, and lost their thrill.

So I take my car into the garage.  The very cute enterprise guy shows up with the keys to my (temporary) new ride.  A Kia Forte.  It's about the same size as the car I have and silly boy, he clearly doesn't understand that I want four wheels and I want it to start, spends nearly 20 minutes going over all the things this car can do.  Where to plug in my cell phone, how to adjust the seats, what the economy light on the tachometer means...all sorts of neat stuff. 

That settled, I'm off to the hospital.  It all seems to be going smoothly and I finish up with an extra half hour for lunch.  Yea!  That means I can drive home and play a game of fetch with the crazy puppy.  After he spends 10 minutes barking at the car he doesn't recognize we get down to the business of fetch, and have some lunch.  Then I head back to work.

This is where the real trouble began.  I start the car.  Back into the turn around, and hit the brake.  I shift into drive and notice the annoying commercial blaring from the radio.  I reach up and hit the off button on the stereo, and as silence fills the car, a very pleasant voice from...the dashboard?  The steering wheel?  The trunk?  says to me "How may I help you?"  Umm...I didn't ask for help.  I can't figure out what button I pushed to make this stranger which is apparently Miss Kia Forte talk to me.  As I stare at the dashboard trying to figure it out, my pager goes off throwing a little extra noise into the mix.  I try to get my pager to shut up as the car asks again, "How may I help you?"  I don't know how it can help me, I just want to get back to work.  I finally get the pager to shut up, and still staring at the dashboard my cell phone rings.  The car keeps talking, and unless I'm imaging things it is starting to sound irritated with me.

I take the call, as the car keeps talking, and say I'll have to call back.  Finally in desparation, I say to the dashboard, "You can't help me, I didn't ask for help"  Apparently my magical car is hearing impaired.  It says "How may I help you?"  It now sounds down right pissy.  I'm not about to have a car be pissy with me, and I shout back "I don't need help"  The minutes are ticking by, I need to get to work, and I'm starting to panic...what if the car won't stop talking, and it wears down the battery?  What if the car is broken?  What if the car hates me?

I'm now pushing buttons in a panic, and the car keeps talking and I keep talking back, and nothing is working.  Suddenly it's quiet.  Did Miss Kia Forte have a heart attack?  And then..."You are not responding"  (I did, I swear)  "Disconnecting in 10 seconds"  Thank the Good Lord.  And finally a count down..."10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1"
I think it's over and because she's apparently the sort of girl who needs the last word..."You have not responded.  Disconnecting now."  Click.

Phew.  I'm relieved.  The car has finally stopped talking.  She was silent the entire way to the office.  So much for me and modern technology.  I was so relieved to get my nine year old non-talking car back, I swear there was a tear in my eye on the way home.

I found myself at a funeral this morning.  One I had not been planning to attend.  A colleauge passed away.  We weren't close, and actually I found the man somewhat distasteful.  He was rude.  Dishonest.  Self protective to the point where he would lie about you to keep his head above water.  And he wouldn't speak to me in the hallway when I said hello.  Not a friend. 

I am not someone who fakes their feelings.  You know what I think.  You know how I feel.  I am clear and easy to read.  And I think that pretending to care for someone in death that I avoided in life is artifical and inappropriate.  So I don't do it.   But, another colleague felt the need to attend this service, and requested my moral support, so I put aside personal feelings, and made the forty minute drive to the church.

I sat listening to the Lithurgy which was lovely, and spoke of change, transition, and the seasons of life.  Following the Communion his children spoke.  His son first, talked of the great conversations they had, and the way they used to laugh.  Then his daughter.  Her Eulogy brought a tear to my eye.  It was a tribute.  She spoke of how her father always helped her with problems, and concerns.  How he guided with a firm hand, and reminded her that no matter what the sun would come up tomorrow.  She explained that he had suffered a life long struggle with depression and low self esteem.  That he was the unhappiest man she had ever known.  That in life and at the end of life he acknowledged this and prayed for his friends and family to find peace and happiness he never knew.

It explained so much.  It explained his need to protect himself, and why he couldn't be bothered to say hello when I spoke.  It reminded me that so often we assume that someone is a difficult, or even bad person, and really they are just going through stuff.  We don't know what, but...stuff.  It reminded me to give the benefit of the doubt, be kind in the face of unkindness, and to offer love when it is not first offered to us.  Because more often than not...we are not the problem, and by doing these small things we may make a bigger difference than we realize.

It's ten days before Christmas and people are feeling the pressure.  Seven people left to shop for, groceries for the meal, snacks, baking supplies, cards, decorations...and don't forget all those little lights to string on the tree. 

Unfortunately in the quest for the perfect holiday people forget the point.  They push, they yell, they are rude to the cashier, they run stop lights, they ignore the pain and suffering of others.  They think of their list of things to do, and never once look around at the other overwhelmed people who are next to them in line.

For instance, tonight on my way home from work, I had to stop at Kroger for a gallon of milk.  Winter hit Michigan with a vengence this week and it's freezing.  Streets and parking lots are icy and the cold weather means salt is not working effectively.  I got the milk and a few other essentials, waited in line, paid, pushed the cart out and loaded the bags in my car.  Here's where things went hopelessly awry.

I always return the cart to the little cart thing in the middle of the parking lot.  On my way back to the car, I slipped on some ice.  My arms flailed, and I skidded wrecklessly down the lane of the parking lot trying desparately to stay upright.  I didn't make it.  I fell, flat on my face, arms outstreched in front of me, and skidded about 10 feet, hitting a crack in the pavement which seemed to slow me down.  I lay there trying to catch my breath, and looked up to see a car coming toward me.  I managed to roll out of the way, avoiding injury and pulled myself to my feet still trying to catch my breath.  I stood there looking around at not one but 3 people staring at me, and one store employee pushing carts toward the store.  Four people who knew I fell and was almost run over (okay not almost...but still) and NOT ONE PERSON CAME TO MY ASSISTANCE OR ASKED IF I WAS OKAY.  Not one. 

I've seen similar behavior at other times of the year, but it just seems to me people are more self involved at this time of year.  The message of Christmas is lost in the crass consumerism of todays culture. 

I can't say I'm never guilty of it, but I try hard to be aware and not cave to the pressure of the season.  As I was driving home I thought about the people out there who try desparately to fill their hearts with peace by creating a perfect Christmas only to be left feeling let down when it's all over and depressed when the bills start rolling in.

I hope that more people will stop to consider the real meaning of Christmas.  That they will try to focus on the things outside of themselves and discover the peace that comes from loving others.

Dear Fellow Epers,

I got to thinking today about all the things and people we have appreciation days for.  Teachers, Doctors, Bosses, Secretaries, Pastors, Nurses, Trees, Public Sewers...the list goes on and on.  What, you may be wondering brought this into my mind in the middle of an extremely busy day of saving lives and stamping out disease and pestulance?  Well, once again, I have a patient who is dying.

She's an amazing lady. Eighty seven years old, (or young as she would say) and truly a joy to know.  She's funny, intelligent, kind, affectionate, interesting, and incredibly proud of the life she has lived.  She was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago.  After more tests, the oncologist met with her family at her hospital bedside, and was frank.  She has six months to live if she does not undergo chemotherapy, and she has six months to live if she does.  She laughed when she told me, and said, "My dear girl, why would anyone want to spend the last six months on this incredible, amazing, earth throwing up from chemotherapy?"  Good point. 

Then she went on to tell me, very seriously, that her life had been truly blessed.  She married the love of her life, and they stayed married, until he passed away.  She has beautiful children who gave her beautiful grandchildren and great grandchildren.  She was able to live in and care for her own home until she became ill.  She has seen things that made her laugh and cry.  She has wittnessed miracles.  She tells me she has touched angels because she has been hugged and had her hand held by amazing nurses who dedicate their lives to caring for the sick.  She believes that it is her time, and she is thankful that she has some advance warning, so she can say the things she needs to say, and do the things she needs to do.  She held my hand and reminded me that God's timing is perfect, and that at the end of life here on earth life truly begins.  She thanked me for sharing my faith.  She reminded me that the little things are so much more important than the big things, and that we should be thankful for every minute because in the end life boils down to nothing but minutes.  Happy ones, sad ones, scary ones...but still nothing but minutes.  And she reminded me that they go by quickly, those minutes.

After I talked with her I went to see another patient.  A lady who is also truly blessed.  She has asthma, and is currently suffering from a bad case of bronchitis, but overall is in excellent health.  I said good morning, and she started listing all the things wrong with her life.  She's upset because she didn't get a private room, she doesn't sleep well at the hospital, she gets nervous when she thinks about the germs, the food is bad, her husband left early last night, she wanted to work in her flower bed today...nothing in her world was right.  Nothing in her world is ever right.  It is emotionally exhausting to talk with her. 

After I left her room and was driving to the office, I got to thinking about all the things we have appreciation days for.  And I realized how often I focus on the negative.  And how much I wanted to look back on my life one day and say I was truly blessed, because...I have Cedric, I get to do a job I love, I can exercise everyday, I can pay the bills, I got to spend the day with my sister...that all the minutes counted.  

So, I decided to declare tomorrow, September 15th, Life Appreciation Day.  I am going to appreciate the many blessings in my life.  And I hope that it will carry over into Life Appreciation Week, Year...and eventually just Appreciation of my Life.  Because it's good, and it's beautiful, and it's blessed. 

I hope those who read this will do the same.

I went to the zoo today.  I actually met someone there, and we went to the zoo together.  He's a friend from EP.  He's been in my circle for close to a year, and we have always connected.  We have things in common, we understand each other, and we have similar backgrounds.  He's someone I can really talk with.  And...I have.  For the past year we have covered every imaginable topic, from favorite foods to bad relationships.  I opened up to him, and he treated me as someone special and valuable.  He took my open heart and he held it carefully.  Then we decidede to meet.  I was hesitant at first.  He brought it up a few times and I brushed it off, unsure that I wanted our relationship to change.  Unsure that I could face in real life someone who knew my bad qualities as well as my good.

And today standing in line at the consession stand waiting to buy a bottle of water, he walked up to me and said "hi"
That was it.  We talked little at first, both nervous, and a little unsure.  Then suddenly it was fine.  Like we were sitting in our respective living rooms, chatting online.  After seeing the animals, we sat on a bench and talked, and then left the zoo and sat in the park at a picnic table and talked some more.  The rain forced us to move under a pavillion but didn't send us to our cars.  After it cleared we walked along the river, saw a fawn, and talked more.

I had a great time, and I hope later tonight, he'll log on and read this admittedly lame post, and know, that today was great.  It was everything I imagined it would be, and I had a really good time.

Several years ago, I had a conversation, that is probably not profound to anyone else, but was so profound to me that it changed not only one day of my life, but my entire future.

I was faced with a decision that should have been easy, but, for many reasons wasn't.  I was struggling with my choices one rainy afternoon while I walked no where in particular.  A friend pulled up and offered my a ride and soon I was sitting in his passenger seat, wet, and cold, and on the verge of tears.  He pulled off the road into an empty parking lot, and said..."tell me."  And I did.  I told him the whole story.  How I felt, why I was struggling, and what I wanted.  He looked at me and said he loved me.  He would be there no matter what.  But there was just one thing he wanted me to think about first.  He said, "Choices have consequences, and the consequnces here are sad, lonely, and painful.  Don't ask yourself how you feel today.  Ask yourself how you'll feel in six months...or six years.  Good advice.  I thought it over and made a choice I could live with.  It was the right choice for me.  More importantly, it changed the way I make decisions.  Now I think about the consequences and weigh them carefully.  I think about how the consequences will make me feel as well as the feelings I'm having when I'm deciding.

Today I had a conversation.  It was long, and ended with a woman I hardly know sobbing in my arms as though her heart were breaking.  Probably because it is.  Her alcoholic husband is abusive.  He promised her he would quit drinking if only she would marry him.  She wanted to help.  She wanted to save him.  So she married him, and was shocked to learn that his drinking got worse, and he blames her for every problem in his life.  The big ones, and the small ones.  He pushes her, hits her, and chokes her often.  But the words...they hurt more.  Usually they do.  He calls her names, screams at her, threatens her, and tears down her already fragile self esteem. 

I offered assistance as best I could.  Domestic Harmony, a police escort home to pack her belongings, having an officer come to the office so she  could file a complaint.  And she said no.  She would go home, think about it some more, try harder to be the kind of wife he needs.  She made a choice. 

I had a friend once in a very similar situation.  She made the same choice, and today her children are being raised in another state far away from the local gossip about how their father shot their mother in the head one night because he was angry at her for coming home from work late.  She made a choice.

I told the woman I hardly know about the woman I loved like a sister.  I asked her to reconsider going home to a house where there is a drunk man who has access to firearms, and a temper which he has proven he cannot control.

And now I'm here.  Writing this blog and silently praying for her safety because I know she is not safe.  And I'm saying to all of you, the same wise words my friend Steve once said to me.   Life is about choices.  Every choice has a consequnce.  Sometimes the consequences are painful.  Think about how you'll feel in six months...or six years and ask yourself am I making a choice I can live with?

If you are choosing an abusive relationship over loving yourself enough to get out, please, please reconsider.  Every year approximately 1,500 women die at the hands of their partners.  Maybe it won't happen to you, but are you really willing to take the chance?

We talked about the future with such certainty
We laughed at little jokes no one else could see
We shared our dreams and made believe
that the threads of forever were ours to weave.

A single moment changed it all
You made a choice, I watched you fall
My dreams imploded, my heart  broken
I love you, you love alcohol.

I knew when it started, it couldn't last
You would hurt me, because of the past
Funny how history repeats
Both of our souls, it will keep.

For those of you who opened this blog thinking it would be a romantic story about candle lit dinners, long walks on the beach, or crazy passionate sex on the kitchen floor...I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I am single.  I find it likely that I will always be single.  I'm 39 years old, and have never even come close to marriage.  I work in a field that makes it impossible to meet anyone, 12-15 hours a day and live in a small town where I am in the minority as a single person.

I hate it.  Not just because it is lonley and bad days seem worse with no one to hug, but because the world caters to couples.  Here's an example.  I ordered a product off the internet.  It was shipped by the company in California to my home via fedral express.  Fedral express won't leave the package without an adult to sign for it.  I live two hours from my closest family member, and the friends I have go to work everyday just like me.  After three delivery attempts fedral express takes the package to their warehouse two hours away and holds it for a week.  Then they ship it back to the company.  I get charged a rerouting fee, and 20% of the purchase price because I wasn't home to sign for the package.  Fedral express delivers between 9 and 5 Monday through Friday.  If I go to the ware house to pick up I have to go between 8 and 10 or 4 and 6...Monday through Friday.  There is no other option.  Fedral express apparently believes the entire world is coupled, and one member of the family can be home at all times.

And it's not just packages.  If I go on vacation I have to pay for the extra person, or room with a complete stranger.  In resturants I am seated next to the kitchen because "it's just one"  My health insurance costs more,  I have to buy more food than I need to get the best price, I have to work more overtime because no one waits at home for me, I am more likely to suffer depresion, I am more likley to die before my married counter parts.  

Single people are discriminated against because of their unmarried status, just as much as obese people are discriminated against because of their weight or elderly people are discriminated against because of their age.  No one talks about it, but that does not make it any less true.

I touched a miracle today. 

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about a very ill patient, Dorothy.  She had been taken off the ventilator and despite incredible odds had survived. When she was discharged from the hospital, I didn't expect her to do well.  She had been extremely ill, and in spite of her survival I thought she would die in a couple of weeks.  During her hopital recovery she was quiet, depressed, and still struggling to breathe. 

Dorothy came to the office today for a follow up visit.  She was viberant.  Alive.  Happy.  Breathing and laughing, and making jokes, and expressing her opinion on everything from the skilled nurse taking care managing her medications (she's not nice) to the food at the hospital.  (Not bad, but not good either)

I told her I thought she was a miracle.  She laughed.  I told her no one expected her to live more than a few hours after discontinuing life support (in accordance with her wishes)  She laughed again.  I told her she looked wonderful, and I had never had the pleasure of talking with her when she was so healthy.  She told me the pleasure was hers. 

Today, on an ordinary Friday, I encountered a miracle that assured me that God is real.  In a week filled with doubts about the reality of God and the purpose of life, God sent me a reminder.  It was the best thing that happened to me today. 

You know the Matchbox 20 song?  "I feel stupid...but I know it won't last for long.  I've been guessing...but I could've been guessing wrong."

I've been walking around all day with it running through my mind.  Because I do feel stupid.  Someone hurt me recently.  I don't think he meant too, and I doubt he realizes he did.  I would tell him, but for some reason that option makes me feel needy and vulnerable.  Also, I don't think it would matter that much to him, and being slapped with that reality would make it hurt worse.  So, I'm keeping it to myself, trying to let it go, and moving on.  As evidenced by the fact that I am writing a blog about it, that's working well.

Relationships suck.  Not just the romantic ones.  Pretty much any interaction between two human beings has  the potential for suckiness. (I know-it isn't a word)  Sometimes I wish I could run away with Cedric, and live on a deserted island with a fully stocked kitchen and the cookbook used by Applebees, so I could still have their awesome chicken fajita roll-up.  Really the only two things in life I need are Cedric and Applebees.  Here's the thing though.  My heart doesn't see it that way.  My heart wants human connection.  Which leads to the potential for pain, and today I resent that. 

Someone I care about stopped talking to me recently.  I don't know why.  I did try to bring it up and was informed that everything was fine.  But it isn't, and that's obvious to me.  I tried giving him some space.  I tried pretending it didn't matter.  But it does.  And I'm sad, and I feel like an idiot for thinking that just because he opened up to me a little I mattered to him.  Not as a romantic interest.  But as a friend.  Somehow losing a friend hurts worse, because there weren't expectations attached the way there are with romantic relationships.

So I sit here and I wonder what happened, and why it changed.  If I did or said the wrong thing.  I probably won't ever know which frustrates my need to have closure and things tied up in a tidy box with a lovely explaination attached. 

Maybe that whole Mad Season's come around.